I puked a lego.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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