My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
