It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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