So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
