I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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