the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
