i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
