Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
