how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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