I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize