Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
