apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
