I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
