my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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