So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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