it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
