So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
