Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
