He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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