This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
