He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
