I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
