Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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