smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This house was built for laser tag.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
