Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
