he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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