I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
