I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
