I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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