hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
