my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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