Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
