Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
