I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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