yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
