she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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