I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
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the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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