Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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