so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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