This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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