well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
