I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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