Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize