So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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