So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
