Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
