if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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