question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
