The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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