fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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