I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
