I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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