i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
